Hiring a Coach is a Great Leadership Choice

Originally posted 06-03-2010.  Reposted 06-22-2011. —————————————— As a consultant I’ve learned there are three primary reasons people don’t hire coaching consultants: They think they can’t afford a consultant. They think they don’t need advice from someone who isn’t living in their shoes. They don’t think they have time to mess with consulting. Here’s why these [...]

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Speaking Engagements

Invite Alan to speak at your conference, event, church or company.  Here are some video and audio files demonstrating Alan’s fun and engaging style.   Right Now Conference 2009 Alan Danielson Keynote Message from Alan Danielson on Vimeo. Alan Preaching “AKA God” from Alan Danielson on Vimeo. Jesus-Sized LifeGroups from Alan Danielson on Vimeo.  Weekly [...]

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Triple-Threat Leadership eBook $9.99

The purchase link is at the bottom of the page. DESCRIPTION Triple-Threat Leadership is about understanding and developing three skills that are absolutely necessary for effective leadership:  casting vision, executing strategy and fostering relationships.  All leaders want to succeed and leveraging these three skills gives leaders an edge.  The book includes an assessment, but it [...]

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Small Group Curriculum Videos

Alan is an experience video communicator.  Here are some examples of teaching he’s done in studio. This is a sample from a curriculum called “What If…” that Alan taught for BlueFishTV.  The entire 4 part series can be purchased at www.bluefishtv.com Below are some small group curriculums that I taught while at LifeChurch.tv. Lord, Wake [...]

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Christmas Reboot ebook featured 4-99

Christmas Reboot eBook

November 11th, 2012 alandanielson
Christmas Reboot is a devotional eBook by Alan Danielson that helps your family see the holiday anew.  Reawaken Christmas with 25 devotional readings and engaging activities that will will help your family experience Jesus in a meaningful way.  Each devotional is rooted in Biblical truth while addressing life in the 21st century.  Set aside time for your family to rediscover the holiday this year with Christmas Reboot.

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A link to purchase the eBook is located at the bottom of this page.
FORMATS COMPATIBLE WITH MOST EREADERS!
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LIST OF DEVOTIONALS
  1. The Infant Warrior
  2. Anti-Religion
  3. Working Contradictions
  4. The Meantime
  5. Season of Waiting
  6. Unlikely Christmas Movie
  7. Stories of Faithfulness
  8. Gentleman and the Tramp
  9. Be Changed Not Just Stirred
  10. The Right Destination
  11. Slaughter
  12. Christmas Wasn’t Pretty
  13. What Are The Odds?
  14. Stinky Sheep Herders
  15. The Wonder of Suffering
  16. Perpetual Innocence
  17. Impossible
  18. The Out-Giver
  19. The Birthplace of Success
  20. Test-Passing Prayers
  21. Light
  22. Swaddled In The Grave
  23. Sacrificing Our Rights
  24. Silent Night
  25. One-Of-A-Kind Birth
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BENEFITS
Your family’s Christmas tradition will be enhanced by focusing more attention on Jesus.
Your entire family will be drawn closer to one another.
You’ll explore many different facets of Christmas.
You’ll be challenged spiritually.
You’ll have fun.
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EXCERPT
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God…
~Isaiah 9:6 (NIV)
Each of the four Gospels has a slightly different telling of the Christmas story, but did you know that Paul also told the Christmas story in Romans? The following passage from Romans 8 is not traditionally thought of as a “Christmas passage”, but the Message translation certainly opens our eyes to a new way of looking at Christmas.
God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem [of sin] as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.
~Romans 8:3-4 (MSG)
With nativity sets, ornaments, paintings and carols we typically picture Christmas as an innocently sweet scene. Yet from sin’s perspective Christmas was the first blow of God’s redemptive war hammer! When Satan peered into the stable, he didn’t see sweet little angels, sheep and swaddling clothes. He saw a mighty warrior waiting to burst forth from the manger and free humanity from sin’s slavery. He saw the first battle in a war that he would eventually lose.
The next time you look at that little nativity set or sing carols about the birth of Christ remember that God indeed went for sin’s jugular. He personally put on an earth suit, came onto the scene and made war against sin and death. Christmas was the bugle call informing the forces of Hell that they would soon be defeated!
Activity:
Look at nativity set or a picture and imagine Satan’s perspective of this scene.  How does it make you feel to know that this precious baby would ultimately become the most powerful warrior of all time?
Prayer:
Lord, let us see Christmas in a new light.  This year let us not only see Your love and beauty.  Let us also see Your power!
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PURCHASE
Christmas Reboot
By Alan Danielson
$4.99
Available Formats:
.epub (iBooks, Nook, Sony & most major ereaders)
.prc (Kindle, Mobipocket eReader & Palm)
.pdf (printable document, highly compatible, text NOT resizable)
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CLICK HERE To buy a copy for yourself or HERE if you wish to purchase through Amazon.
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CLICK HERE To buy it for someone else and send it as a gift!
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Zombies, Christians And The Villains of Our Story

November 1st, 2012 alandanielson

I’ve been watching the TV show, The Walking Dead, lately. Suddenly it hit me last night that the Zombies are not the villains in the story…people are the villains.

You don’t get mad at the zombies for chasing after the heroes, they’re just doing what zombies do. In fact, there are occasions where you actually feel sorry for the zombies. At the end of the day, the characters you want to throttle are the humans who refuse to get along with other humans.

That’s a sad but accurate picture of the church. As followers of Jesus we are surrounded by unbelievers. They may oppose our efforts, but that’s no surprise: the gospel is foolishness to unbelievers. Unbelievers are not the villains in the story of the church.

The villains of our story are those among us who succumb to Satan’s strategy of division and discontent. Here are some ways Satan turns Christians into villains:

  1. He causes us to focus on what we want rather than our mission.
  2. He lures us to focus on what we don’t like about our fellow Christians.
  3. He distracts us with an addiction to the nostalgic past.
  4. He bogs us down with fear to the point of establishing unnecessary red tape and complicated processes that slows us down.
  5. He entices us to troll the Internet for Christians we disagree with so we can verbally assault them.
  6. He stops us with decision paralysis.
  7. He traps us with legalism and condemnation.

As believers it’s easy for us to see Satan as the villain, which certainly he is. But consider how different our churches would be if we looked at the list above and believed that WE become the villains when WE act in those ways. Tragically, I must admit that I’ve been the villain in more than one way. If we’re honest, all of us who claim to follow Jesus have been the villain from time to time.

Let us commit unity, fellowship and the bond of peace. Let us focus on our mission rather than our preferences, agendas, fears, and frustrations. Let us all make the conscious decision to never play the villain in the story of the church.

Do you have any other thoughts about how we, as believers, become the villains of the story?

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Revitalize Your Marriage in 10 Days

October 24th, 2012 alandanielson

I recently read a book by Philip Wagner called, How to Turn Your Marriage Around in 10 Days. At first, the title made me a bit skeptical. After all, marriages take a long time to get messed up, they can’t really be turned around in then days. Or can they?

This book isn’t a miracle cure for a broken marriage, but it is a powerful tool for breathing life into your marriage and FAST! Marriages tend to die a slow, agonizing death but they don’t have to. Philip Wagner presents a book that is full of practical ideas to keep marriages from that kind of tragic decay.

I love the book so much that it has inspired me to write a sermon series revolving around it. The series is on my calendar for next year, and I can hardly wait.

Watch the trailer below and click here to get your copy of How to Turn Your Marriage Around in 10Days.

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The Worst Thing Pastors Do

September 10th, 2012 alandanielson

The worst thing pastors can do is NOT be themselves!!

Forgive me in advance for using language that some might find offensive, but let’s face it, people have built-in crap detectors. Some have better detectors than others, but everyone has one. The ONE thing crap detectors sniff out faster than anything else is in-authenticity.

Ways pastors set off crap detectors:

1. We clone our preaching – I’ll admit it:  I sometimes use other pastors’ sermon outlines. In fact, when I was a church planter I learned to preach by downloading Rick Warren sermon outlines. I was swamped as the only staff person in a new church and Rick’s outlines saved me tons of time (which also saved my sanity and probably my marriage). During that season of my life I learned two things about using someone else’s sermon outlines: 1) I’m not Rick Warrren (although for a time I was guilty of trying to be) but 2) It IS possible to “own” an outline I didn’t write. I learned that I should never try to clone another preacher’s style, tone, rhythm, or inflection because I’M NOT HIM!  It took me a while, but over time I’ve learned to leverage messages written by other pastors by filtering them through my own uniqueness and context.

2. We Hide our quirks – I’m a geek and I’m proud. Yet, while I’ve always been a geek, I wasn’t always forthcoming about it. Getting bullied in Jr High taught me to hide my geekhood. I’m a rabid Star Wars fan but in the past I didn’t reveal that to people up front. My office used to look like most pastors offices. I had pictures of family, and paintings of Jesus, lambs, lions, and Bible verses hanging on my wall. I had tons of books that people had passed down to me (too many for me to read in one lifetime). Truth be told, I didn’t like or enjoy my office. Now I have pictures of family and tons of Star Wars memorabilia in my office and only three bookshelves with the books that I actually read. Now I LOVE my office! People seem to enjoy it too. They get a good laugh and learn a little bit about me.

Pastors, let’s own our quirks. They make each of us unique!! Owning your quirks makes you more self-aware, more transparent, more fun, and more authentic.

3. We Don’t share our struggles. We live in the age of the personality cult, so it’s easy to pretend we have it all together and let people put us on a pedestal. This is dangerous! Pastors, we are humans with tremendous flaws. When we share our flaws openly, others see us as real people and they are less likely to put us on pedestals.

We must be wise about our transparency though. It’s one thing to admit in a sermon that you battle lust. It’s another thing to name the names of the women you have a hard time looking away from. Share your weaknesses in your sermons, but be careful with the gory details…share those with your accountability partners. If you don’t have accountability, that’s a whole other conversation we need to have. ;-)

4. We Live a double-standard. We say it’s important to participate in missions, but we don’t show up for mission events.  We say people need small groups, but we don’t participate in one.  We say people should invite friends to church, but we don’t.  We say everyone should read the Bible and pray daily, but outside of sermon-prep, we don’t.  I’m speaking in generalities, of course, but you get the point. Pastors, we have no business challenging the people we lead to do something that we aren’t willing to do!

I’ve been guilty of all of these from time to time, so I’m not writing this out of condemnation. Rather, I’m writing it out of understanding.  It’s hard being a pastor, but no difficulty excuses deceit.  Let’s make an extra effort to be real!  Authenticity attracts people to the gospel. In-authenticity repels them.

These are just a few ways that we deceive people by hiding our true selves. What would you add to the list?

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“When you’re invited to dinner, go and sit at the last place. Then when the host comes he may very well say, ‘Friend, come up to the front.’ That will give the dinner guests something to talk about! What I’m saying is, If you walk around with your nose in the air, you’re going to end up flat on your face. But if you’re content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.”

~Luke 14:10-11 (The Message)

 

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Why Do Certain Small Group Models Work For Some Churches And Not Others?

August 20th, 2012 alandanielson

I sometimes talk to pastors who are frustrated because small group ministry just isn’t working at their church. They tell me about all the great models and strategies that they’ve adapted from other churches, but feel like nothing seems to work. The mistake that most pastors make is assuming that their problem is rooted in a model, system, or strategy. I’m convinced that the problem is actually a DNA problem: the reason groups aren’t working in their church is that their approach to small groups doesn’t match the DNA of the church’s senior leader.

Community Christian Church in Naperville, Illinois has a great system for apprenticing leaders and creating groups that multiply. I had an opportunity a couple of years ago to ask CCC’s Senior Pastor, Dave Ferguson why this model worked so well at their church while other churches often flounder with the same approach. He said, “Because this church started as a small group in a dorm room with me and an apprentice leader.” His answer had nothing do to with the model. Instead, it had everything to do with their church’s DNA. Their model works because it reflects the nature of their church, and a church always reflects the nature of their senior leader (especially if the senior leader is the founding pastor).

In my four years at LifeChurch.tv I learned that two things in small groups were important to my Senior Pastor, Craig Groeschel:  friendships and further exploration of the weekend message.  At the time the church was running over 20,000 in weekly attendance and Craig had two small groups that met in his home nearly every week. One of those groups exclusively used questions related to the weekend talk as their curriculum. As a result, we built our small group ministry at LifeChurch.tv to revolve around getting as many people as possible into small group environments where they could discover new spiritual friendships and use discussion materials that connected directly to the previous weekend’s teaching.

When you look at successful small group ministries in any church, you’ll find that each of them are pretty unique.  They all have similarities, but each church’s model has been custom built to fit their church DNA.  One of the greatest temptations of small group ministry leaders is to simply take another church’s model for small group ministry and insert it into their own context. It is imperative to resist this temptation and instead spend time listening to your church’s Senior Pastor.  Find out what really gets your pastor excited about Biblical Community then build a ministry that leans heavily in those directions.

Church leaders have a tendency to cut and paste a model they see working somewhere else. Such an approach might work if the church were simply an organization. But a church isn’t an organization, it’s an organism. A pack of hyenas might see a cheetah successfully kill it’s prey, but will a hyena try to cut and paste the cheetah’s approach to hunting? No. The cheetah uses that hunting method because he’s a cheetah, not because the method works.

One of the best things you can do to build a strong small group ministry is understand the heart and mind of your church. 9 times out of 10 that can be done by understanding the heart and mind of your senior pastor. Ask why people connect the way they do at your church. Ask why certain ministries thrive in your church and why certain ministries don’t. Spend time with your Senior Pastor. Figure our what makes aspects of Biblical community really make his eyes light up. Discover his heartbeat for community. Figure out if your church is a cheetah, hyena, wolf, spider, or eagle then build your ministry to hunt accordingly.

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The Number Pastors Are Not Tracking, But Should

June 27th, 2012 alandanielson

Having worked at large churches and consulted churches of all sizes, I’ve become more and more aware of a particular word over the last few years: metrics. Generally speaking, metrics are the numbers that an organization tracks. Common church metrics are things like attendance, offering, small group participation, baptisms and membership. Regardless of the metrics each church tracks, there’s one we can’t afford to ignore: the number of bodies we leave behind us.

Every ministry leader is a human being. Human beings are flawed. Thus, every ministry leader is flawed. Sadly, our flaws wind up hurting people. At the church I lead we often say, “We’ll do anything short of sin to see people come to know Christ.” Usually the emphasis is on the latter part of that statement, but lately I’ve been thinking more about the first part: “…anything short of sin…”

In fulfilling our mission, let us remember that the ends only justify the means as long as we do not sin.

  • Using people is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Ignoring the needy is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Making people feel abused is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Neglecting widows is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Treating staff like property is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Causing volunteers and/or staff to neglect family is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Neglecting our own families is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Crushing people’s spirits is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Treating human resources like resources rather than humans is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.
  • Condemning people is a sin that leaves bodies in our trail.

I’m not suggesting that we unhealthily avoid conflict, for that would lead to dramatic dysfunction. I’m not suggesting that we water-down the message of Scripture, for that would be heresy. I’m not suggesting that we make our ministries about pleasing people, for that would be idolatry. I’m not suggesting that our ministries should never offend people, for the gospel is offensive.

Sometimes people will be offended by our work. Sometimes they’ll storm away angry. Sometimes they’ll make unfair criticisms or jump to silly conclusions. Those things we can’t help. What we CAN avoid, though, is damaging people by our negligence, arrogance, ignorance, and selfishness.

Remembering the tragic numbers of bodies we’ve left behind requires internal strength, brutal self-honesty, and humility. If we’re the least bit in tune with God’s Spirit, this activity will sadden us. Yet it will simultaneously inspire us to prevent such casualties in the future.

So today, I encourage you to ask, “What’s my number? How many bodies have been left in my ministry trail?” I doubt this number will ever make it into any church leader’s metric spreadsheet. After all, it’s a discouraging number and hard to track. Nevertheless, let’s all make it a habit to look in the rear-view mirror from time to time, so we don’t needlessly hurt people in our efforts to reach them with the gospel. Let us never become so enamored with the exciting numbers in front of us that we forget the tragic numbers behind us.

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We’re Hiring a Spiritual Development Pastor

June 21st, 2012 alandanielson

Those of you who have followed my blog for a while have noticed that my writing has slowed down tremendously this year. That’s because as our church has grown, I’ve had to choose where to focus most of my attention and what to put on the back burner. The blog was moved to the back for a season. Thankfully that season will soon be over!!

Why? Because New Life Bible Church is looking for a Spiritual Development Pastor. When we find the right person for this role, I’ll be able to focus again on a few things I’ve been putting off.

If you or someone you know is interested in being a part of a fast-paced, effective, evangelistic, and fun ministry, then keep reading. Every week people at New Life choose to become followers of Christ and we are committed to helping those new believers become fully-devoted-followers! This role is critical to the future of our church and is a great opportunity for the right person! Think you’re the right person or that you may know the right person? Click Here to download a packet describing our church and the position. We’d love to hire someone by August, but we’re willing to wait for the right candidate.

The bottom line is this: New Life Bible Church is a fast growing, ground floor opportunity for someone who wants to do ministry in a great environment.  Resumes may be submitted via email to info@nlbc.org. Please feel free to share post this with everyone!

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The Church CAN Develop Generous People (Part 2)

May 8th, 2012 alandanielson

Last week I wrote about the 4 stages people go through as they become more generous (you can read that post here).  I also noted how the local church is uniquely positioned to help people move through all four stages.  Other organizations can help people move through some of the stages, but I believe only the Church can help with all four.  So the question is, how do we as church leaders guide people through these four stages?

Stage 1 – Giving Is A Duty. Since this stage is painful for people, it is important that we are sensitive to their pain while helping them move beyond it.  Think of it like a patient being given a lung cancer diagnosis.   The doctor would not beat up the patient  or make the patient feel guilty by saying, “If you hadn’t smoked for the last 20 years, you wouldn’t be in this boat.”  Instead, the doctor would be frank, but comforting.  The doctor might say something more like this:  ”There’s hope.  We can treat the cancer, and I believe there’s a good chance we can beat it.  You’re going to have to go through with every step of the treatment and you have to stop smoking.”  See the difference?  When communicating to people that they should give, make it clear that selfishness is a cancer, but generosity in Christ is the cure.  Never make people feel guilty.

The key here is to communicate vision and hope.  For example, rather than preaching a message entitled “The problems of being selfish” we should flip it around and preach one entitled “The benefits of generosity.”  Helping people see giving as something other than a burdensome duty requires painting a beautiful picture of what can happen in their lives when they become more generous.  The overall message should empower people by communicating that Christ wants more FOR them, rather than Christ wanting more FROM them.

One way that we communicate a generous vision to people is by giving them a booklet and a hand-written note when they give to our church for the first time.  It’s called “What happens when you give.”  I wish we could take credit for this idea, but we can’t.  We purchase these books from Giving Rocket.  You can find out more about these books here.

Stage 2 – Giving Is A Priority. Once a person decides they no longer want to be selfish with their finances, they’ve taken a huge spiritual step.  At this point we, as church leaders, must empower our people by giving them the tools to make giving a priority.

When I was growing up in a Southern Baptist church, we were sent offering envelopes in the mail.  This system reminded our family to make giving a priority.  Thanks to internet technology we can do far better than mailing a box of envelopes.  Creating a link on your website where people can set up automatic ACH withdrawals or recurring credit/debit card payments is a simple way to do this.  Additionally, including a link in your weekly e-newsletter that simply says “give online” will remind people to give even when they’re on vacation or just missed church.

It’s vital that we not only help people believe that giving is a priority, we must help them make it a priority by providing them the right tools.

Stage 3 – Giving Is A Habit. This stage is both fantastic and dangerous.  It’s fantastic because giving has become automatic for people.  It’s dangerous because people can give without thinking.  This can lead to either complacency or a sense of arrival.  We must help people move beyond this stage by teaching about giving as an act of worship.  We should continually remind those we lead that giving is not a mindless activity, it is a meaningful gesture of worship.

Stage 4 – Giving Is A Privilege. There are two methods that are helpful here:  personal stories and personal example.  Personal stories of changed lives are a great way to promote the privilege of giving.  When people hear how our churches are impacting others, they are inspired to give.  Playing these videos during weekend services, including them with contribution statements, and featuring them on our website reminds people why they give.

While stories of changed lives are powerful, the greatest way for church leaders to help people get to the fourth stage of generosity is to live in this place ourselves.  The only way for us to convincingly talk about giving being a privilege is if we personally believe it.  Evaluate yourself, church leader, are you giving consistently?  Are you giving sacrificially?  Are you seeing God’s miracles of provision that make you fall to your knees in worship?  Only when we inhabit this space will we be able to help lead people here as well.

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The Church CAN Develop Generous People (part 1)

May 3rd, 2012 alandanielson

In my experience, there is no better place than the local church to teach people how to become fully-generous. The reason for this is that the church is uniquely positioned to help move people through, what I call, the 4 stages of generosity.  As you read the rest of this post, go ahead and ask yourself:  ”Where else, other than the local church, can people easily experience and move through all 4 stages?”

Stage 1 – Giving Is A Duty. Something painful happens to an individual during this stage. This is when giving is a chore; it’s something people do because they have to or because they feel guilty if they don’t. This is one of the main reasons people don’t like going to church. When people are not giving and they hear about giving at church, they feel uncomfortable, guilty, beat up or frustrated. The vast majority of human beings never move passed this first stage because it hurts. And since people don’t like pain so they try hard to avoid any reminder that they are in this stage.

Why is this stage painful? Because all of us like generous people and we all dislike stingy people. This stage hurts because it reminds us that we are more akin to the people we dislike than the people we like. The answer to the pain is to push through it, and determine to become the kind of generous person others want to be around.

Stage 2 – Giving Is A Priority. During this stage, something spiritual happens. People who don’t like the idea of remaining in the first stage make the spiritual decision to give. Truly generous giving is not a financial decision; it is a spiritual one. When people give merely for a tax advantage they are still in stage 1. When they give because they’ve determined to become a fully-generous people, they have moved on to stage 2.

This stage is the first step to becoming a generous person. Giving shifts from duty to priority when people decide to make giving the default rather than an option. People do this by making their giving automatic. One of the best ways people automate their giving is by establishing a budget. The first money to leave their account each month is the money they are giving away. They decide immediately how much they’re going to give, when they’re going to give, and then they do it! Another great way people make giving a priority is by setting up ACH bank drafts, or by setting up recurring credit/debit card payments. This removes the possibility of not giving, and when people make the conscious decision to automate their giving, their actions scream, “Generosity is truly a priority in my life!”

Stage 3 – Giving Is A Habit. During stage 3 something subtle happens. Once people consciously decides to make giving a priority, something happens after a while: giving becomes easier, less painful, even normal. Somehow without even recognizing that it’s happening, giving becomes a natural habit. We’ve all seen that person for whom generosity is an easy choice, and we long to be like that person. When we enter stage 3 and giving becomes a habit in our lives, we are then becoming that person.

Stage 4 – Giving Is A Privilege. Something supernatural happens when we move into the fourth stage of generosity. When we give with consistency, we begin to notice God working in ways around us that we never noticed before. We begin to see how our generosity touches other lives and how it changes people. We begin to see the impact of our giving multiply and expand! Then it’s in those moments that we fall to our knees in worship and thank God that we have been given the privilege of contributing to his work! Now giving is no longer a duty, it’s no longer just a priority, it’s no longer even a habit. Now giving is something that we get to do…something we want to do.  In stage 4 giving truly has become a privilege!

May we all strive to reach the fourth stage of giving because…

…God loves a cheerful giver.
~2 Cor 9:7 (NIV)

Next week I’ll write about how the local church can help people progress through each stage.

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The 2 Biggest Challenges In Women’s Small Groups (Part 2)

April 11th, 2012 alandanielson

This post, co-written by my wife, started yesterday when we discussed the issue of childcare.  Today we’re talking about…

CLIQUES

Cliques are not just a middle school phenomenon. They can be a big problem in women’s small groups. Let’s start by saying right off that cliques are not intrinsically bad. God created people to gather and group. We naturally like spending time with people like us. In the small group world we call it the “homogeneity receptivity principle”. That simply means that people are receptive to others that are like them. Thus people bond more closely with some people and less closely with others. In other words: human beings are cliquish.

Not only are cliques not intrinsically bad, but they can be good. We’ve all heard people say, “We just really clicked”. That’s modern slang derived from the word clique. When people “click” they are hitting it off and they feel a deep connection. God created us this way, so when people “click” it’s a beautiful thing!

One of Satan’s sneakiest strategies is to take God’s beautiful creations and pervert them. Cliques are no exception. Satan wishes to distort them and make them ugly and divisive. Thus, cliques in small groups can be very harmful when someone feels left out. Of all places in the world, God wants small groups to be a safe place where everyone can come and experience His love through each of us so make every effort to have your group be one that is not “cliqueing” but one that is “clicking”!! Confused? Here’s what we mean: let’s categorize the connections formed within a small group as “cliqueing” when they have a negative effect, dividing the group and alienating people. Let’s call the connections “clicking” when they have a positive effect, bringing unity, safety, and encouragement. Below are some characteristics of groups that “clique” (negative) and groups that “click” (positive), followed by some ways to help your group “click”.

 “Cliqueing” Characteristics

>  Gossip

>  Guardedness

>  Fake

>  Hurt feelings

>  Worry

>  Don’t know where you stand

>  Alienation

>  Exclusion

>  Resentment

“Clicking” Characteristics

>  Honesty

>  Transparency

>  Authentic

>  Love

>  Encouragement

>  Always know where you stand.

>  Friendships

>  Inclusion

>  Forgiveness

Ways to help your group “Click”

  • Welcome all newcomers. This may seem obvious, but it’s easy to neglect new people when you’re catching up with your best friend.
  • Alienate the Right People. Of course you don’t really want to alienate anyone, but if you’re not sure who you should sit next to or talk to ask yourself, “who is less likely to be offended if I don’t talk to her?” This means I shouldn’t always sit with my best friend, but intentionally sit by new people or people I know less-well so I can get to know them. When this behavior is demonstrated, it will be imitated by the others in the group.
  • Communicate With Everyone. When an email goes out, make sure everyone gets it. Ask group members to “reply to all” with group emails so everyone is in on the conversation. Make sure that all email addresses and phone numbers are up to date. Email is a great way to share prayer requests discussed each week. You might even consider setting up a facebook page for your group where you can share with each other.
  • Group outside the group. Encourage the ladies in your group to get together for extra activities like going to dinner, catching a movie, going shopping or meeting for tea. Just be sure spell out that these activities shouldn’t just be for “best friends”. They should be inclusive activities as often as possible so everyone in the group is able to form new bonds.
  • Remember birthdays and/or anniversaries. Keeping a calendar with everyone’s birthdays (even kid’s birthdays) and/or anniversaries is a great way to show that you care. Sending a note or a small gift makes people feel loved and remembered. However, make sure to use this information if you are going to ask for it. It’s terrible to ask someone for their birth date and then not remember them on that day!!!
  • Ask everyone to help. Try to include everyone in helping with the group with food, drinks, etc. Don’t put people on the spot however. You don’t want to ask someone to bring food only to find out that they are embarrassed by their inability to cook. Instead create a signup sheet that allows people to sign up as they feel comfortable.

Alan’s Thoughts:
Keep in mind that it’s okay if your group doesn’t “click” but it’s never okay if your group “cliques”. Here’s what I mean: not everyone is going to click with your group right away. It’s okay if people decide to look for another women’s group to attend. Just make sure that you keep all communication lines open and ask people who leave why. If they leave because they just didn’t “click” that’s okay. But if they leave because your group is a clique then you have some issues to work out.

Stacey’s Thoughts:
Remember that an important goal for your group is that people “click”. This is not always easy, but it will be well worth the sacrifice and effort when you see women being encouraged by each other and pushed to be more like Christ. The key to this is total honesty. Everyone in the group needs to feel like they can address the issue of “cliques” any time. In order for this to happen, everyone needs to have thick skin and soft hearts so that feedback can be given openly without fearing how people will take it. Sadly, the opposite is often true: people have thin skin and hard hearts. Talk about this “skin and heart” issue with your group early on to promote total honesty in your group and so your group will “click”.

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