This post, co-written by my wife, started yesterday when we discussed the issue of childcare.  Today we’re talking about…

CLIQUES

Cliques are not just a middle school phenomenon. They can be a big problem in women’s small groups. Let’s start by saying right off that cliques are not intrinsically bad. God created people to gather and group. We naturally like spending time with people like us. In the small group world we call it the “homogeneity receptivity principle”. That simply means that people are receptive to others that are like them. Thus people bond more closely with some people and less closely with others. In other words: human beings are cliquish.

Not only are cliques not intrinsically bad, but they can be good. We’ve all heard people say, “We just really clicked”. That’s modern slang derived from the word clique. When people “click” they are hitting it off and they feel a deep connection. God created us this way, so when people “click” it’s a beautiful thing!

One of Satan’s sneakiest strategies is to take God’s beautiful creations and pervert them. Cliques are no exception. Satan wishes to distort them and make them ugly and divisive. Thus, cliques in small groups can be very harmful when someone feels left out. Of all places in the world, God wants small groups to be a safe place where everyone can come and experience His love through each of us so make every effort to have your group be one that is not “cliqueing” but one that is “clicking”!! Confused? Here’s what we mean: let’s categorize the connections formed within a small group as “cliqueing” when they have a negative effect, dividing the group and alienating people. Let’s call the connections “clicking” when they have a positive effect, bringing unity, safety, and encouragement. Below are some characteristics of groups that “clique” (negative) and groups that “click” (positive), followed by some ways to help your group “click”.

Ways to help your group “Click”

• Welcome all newcomers. This may seem obvious, but it’s easy to neglect new people when you’re catching up with your best friend.
• Alienate the Right People. Of course you don’t really want to alienate anyone, but if you’re not sure who you should sit next to or talk to ask yourself, “who is less likely to be offended if I don’t talk to her?” This means I shouldn’t always sit with my best friend, but intentionally sit by new people or people I know less-well so I can get to know them. When this behavior is demonstrated, it will be imitated by the others in the group.
• Communicate With Everyone. When an email goes out, make sure everyone gets it. Ask group members to “reply to all” with group emails so everyone is in on the conversation. Make sure that all email addresses and phone numbers are up to date. Email is a great way to share prayer requests discussed each week. You might even consider setting up a facebook page for your group where you can share with each other.
• Group outside the group. Encourage the ladies in your group to get together for extra activities like going to dinner, catching a movie, going shopping or meeting for tea. Just be sure spell out that these activities shouldn’t just be for “best friends”. They should be inclusive activities as often as possible so everyone in the group is able to form new bonds.
• Remember birthdays and/or anniversaries. Keeping a calendar with everyone’s birthdays (even kid’s birthdays) and/or anniversaries is a great way to show that you care. Sending a note or a small gift makes people feel loved and remembered. However, make sure to use this information if you are going to ask for it. It’s terrible to ask someone for their birth date and then not remember them on that day!!!
• Ask everyone to help. Try to include everyone in helping with the group with food, drinks, etc. Don’t put people on the spot however. You don’t want to ask someone to bring food only to find out that they are embarrassed by their inability to cook. Instead create a signup sheet that allows people to sign up as they feel comfortable.

Alan’s Thoughts:
Keep in mind that it’s okay if your group doesn’t “click” but it’s never okay if your group “cliques”. Here’s what I mean: not everyone is going to click with your group right away. It’s okay if people decide to look for another women’s group to attend. Just make sure that you keep all communication lines open and ask people who leave why. If they leave because they just didn’t “click” that’s okay. But if they leave because your group is a clique then you have some issues to work out.

Stacey’s Thoughts:
Remember that an important goal for your group is that people “click”. This is not always easy, but it will be well worth the sacrifice and effort when you see women being encouraged by each other and pushed to be more like Christ. The key to this is total honesty. Everyone in the group needs to feel like they can address the issue of “cliques” any time. In order for this to happen, everyone needs to have thick skin and soft hearts so that feedback can be given openly without fearing how people will take it. Sadly, the opposite is often true: people have thin skin and hard hearts. Talk about this “skin and heart” issue with your group early on to promote total honesty in your group and so your group will “click”.

In 2006 I was asked to do something that I just knew would end my career as a small group pastor at LifeChurch.tv. My senior pastor’s wife started a women’s ministry that had been meeting on campus for 8 years and I was asked to kill it and move all the women involved into off-campus small groups. As a man, I was certain that I was toast!

Fortunately, God was gracious and my senior pastor’s wife was on board with the change. She helped lead the charge and in the first semester of off-campus women’s groups we saw the number of women’s ministry participants double! It was a huge success, but it came only after much preparation.

One of my favorite stories from that change in women’s ministry strategy is the story of my wife, Stacey. Stacey started a women’s group and had a blast, so I’ve asked her to co-write this article and share her insights. This article is about the biggest challenge facing women’s small group: division. Satan loves to destroy the unity of women’s small groups and he does it in primarily two areas: childcare and cliques.

CHILDCARE

Knowing what to do with the kids can be a challenge for ladies groups because many of them will be made up of stay-at-home-moms and/or single moms. It’s critical for groups to decide up front how they will handle childcare. There’s a great article called “The Childcare Checklist” at SmallGroups.com that will help your group navigate the childcare conversation. In addition, below are some ideas we used at LifeChurch.tv that you can discuss with your group.

1. Utilize local “Mothers Day Out” programs. Other churches in your town may offer Mother’s Day Out Programs where ladies can drop off their children for a few hours. Check around your area to see if any MDO programs are available.
2. Meet outside the home. Get together at local coffee shops, bookstores or the park after the kids are in school.
3. Work around naptime. Buy some nap mats, meet at naptime and have the kids all take their naps together in another room. (This works in daycare centers, other children are doing it so will yours if that is what is expected of them.)
4. Coordinate home-schoolers’ help. Arrange for a home schooled teenager to come to the host home to watch the children in another room.
5. Contact local colleges. Local colleges have information on students interested in childcare.
6. Drop in/Hourly Play Childcare Center. See if there are any childcare centers in your area that allow parents to drop off their children on an hourly basis.
7. Use Two Homes. Some goups will drop their kids off at one group member’s house with a sitter or volunteer from the group and then have the group gathering at another home a few blocks away.
8. Bring them with you! This is a wonderful way for children to see their moms living their faith. Here are some ideas for having kids present with your women’s group.

• Have a signup sheet so that group members can take turns watching the kids during your Group.
• Encourage children to participate in a short time together of singing and a scriptural thought or question directed specifically to them, then taking their prayer requests and praying with them before dismissing them to play or other activity (any or all of the above)
• Designated play area; designated toys and centers.
• Tape butcher paper all over a dining or other table put markers and coloring crayons on table. Don’t use permanent markers or markers that bleed.
• Snacks!!!
• Have the kids bring inexpensive seeds and miniature clay pots and planting their seeds and discussing how we plant seeds in the lives of others, and God helps them to Grow. Then they can transplant their seeds at home.
• Purchase inexpensive photo albums from the $1 store and let them bring pics from home and do family albums. Talk about how God made our families, etc. all his children (Psalm 68:6)
• Treasure box for rewards for positive behavior throughout the night (morning) and/or at the end of the study, kids can pick something out of it.

Stacey’s Thoughts:
These are simply ideas, only limited by your own imaginations. So be creative and don’t allow the beautiful children God has blessed you with to be used as an excuse for ladies not to meet together to do small groups. Yes, it can be a challenge but don’t let it be an obstacle. Talk to other ladies’ group leaders and share ideas. Tell others about the great things that you have done with the kids in your group. Please, please don’t keep it a secret. Share it with others so they can benefit.

Alan’s Thoughts:
One of Satan’s favorite methods for causing division in a small group is disagreement over the question of childcare. Thus one of the most important things for your group to come to a clear and collaborative understanding about is childcare. Not addressing childcare up front guarantees conflict and misunderstanding later. As such, each ladies’ group should determine what works best for them by looking over this Childcare Checklist and the suggestions above together.

Childcare is the first big challenge for women’s small groups.  Come back tomorrow to read about the second big challenge.

Recently I started a series of posts about the three principles that will help your new group start off right.  You can read part 1 here and part 2 here.  Today is about the third principle and wraps up this series of posts.

KEEP

Keeping people in your group is about creating “sticky” relationships. If the relational bond is strong, your group will be able to weather tough times and people will be less likely to jump ship. The first key in creating this bond is prayer. This not only refers to the leader’s commitment to praying for the group, but to the group’s commitments to praying for one another. Praying aloud for one another’s needs fosters a true sense of caring. Sharing those needs outside the group time and praying for them regularly helps small group members show genuine interest in one another. Praying for each other leads to group members taking action, becoming answers to prayer for one another.

The second important factor for keeping people is communication. Technology is a tremendous help with this. Copying the entire group via email is a simple, yet effective, communication tool. Starting a Facebook group and having your group members communicate via social media is also very effective. The bottom line is that people need and want to know what’s going on. If you don’t communicate clearly and regularly with all of your group members, someone will be left out of the loop. When that happens, they feel like outsiders and are more likely to leave your group.

The third key for keeping people in your group is being on mission together. Groups who serve the lost together, stay together. This is what I call the “Band of Brothers Effect.” Something interesting happens in wartime: those who are in combat together share a unique and unbreakable bond. Make no mistake; we are in a spiritual war and when your group takes to the battlefield together, a powerful bond will develop. Nothing in more uniting for a group than to reach out to a dying world together. We see this clearly in the way that Jesus led his own small group. When he recruited his disciples he called them to “follow me, and I will make you fishers of men” (Matthew 4:19). He didn’t say, “Follow me and I will make you Bible experts, and you’ll have sweet fellowship.” He called the 12 to an active, on-mission-discipleship. When all was said and done, this strangely diverse group was able to change the world and they were willing to die for one another (and they did). Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of missing out on this key ingredient of keeping people in your group. Mission is absolutely necessary.

The fourth key to keeping people in your group is the one people want to avoid: suffering. Suffering is something we all hate, but it is a normal part of life. The natural result is that suffering will happen in the lives of people in your group. Will you and your group members commit to going through it together? Often times when suffering comes to our own lives we withdraw from others rather than being open about it and letting them go through the experience with us. Other times when suffering comes to others and we don’t know quite how to respond so we say an obligatory, “I’ll pray for you” and do little else. If you want your group to connect, and I mean REALLY connect, then you must embrace the notion of suffering together. Suffering together is what made the early church take off. Suffering together is what makes soldiers who experience combat together bond for life. There is great power in suffering; don’t be afraid to experience that power.

START-FILL-KEEP

So there you have it. Focus your attention on starting your group, filling your group, and keeping people in your group, and you chances of success are greatly enhanced. Write those three words inside the cover of your Bible. Memorize them. Hang them on your bathroom mirror. Talk openly with your church leaders and your group members about them. The simple Start-Fill-Keep concept is memorable, reproducible , and effective.

Yesterday I started this series of posts and spoke about the first principle for successfully launching a new small group.  Today I’m tackling the second.

FILL

Sadly, some small group leaders think, “If I build it they will come.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Filling out a form at church, meeting with a pastor or coach, and putting your group information on the church list is not a guarantee that people will come to your group. So how do you fill your group with people?

First of all, take ownership of filling the group. Don’t leave it to the staff, your church website, a group catalog or the small groups booth in the lobby. No one will care more about filling your group than you, so own that responsibility. Secondly, adjust your expectations. Resist the idea that a successful group has 20 people. The Biblical standard is two or three or more (Matthew 18:20). If two or three are all you are able to recruit, thank God for the group He’s given you!

Once you have owned the responsibility for filling your group and managed your expectations, you should take the following steps. Pray. Pray about who God wants in your group. Pray that God will guide you to the right people. Pray that He will give you the right opportunities to find and invite those people. Next, make invite cards. When you invite someone, make sure that you are able to give them something tangible that tells them when and where your group will meet. Then ask yourself, “Who do I already ‘group’ with?” There are already people you regularly gather with in small groups. Your gaming group, a book club, other parents at little league games, your exercise partners, and your family are great examples of this. Ask the people you are already spending time with if they would like to be a part of your small group. Lastly, think about the people who sit near you at church. People are creatures of habit, so the people who sit near you at church probably sit in that general area every time they come to church. Capitalize on their habitual behavior. Tap them on the shoulder this weekend, hand them an invite to your group and ask them to come.

Consider making invitations to your group like these.

• Blue
• Gray
• Navy
• Red
• Instructions

You can download a file, fill out the fields on your computer and print the invitations.  Alternatively, hand written invitations are also very helpful.  In a day where everything is digital, it’s a pleasant surprise to get a hand-written card via snail mail!!

Filling your group may take you outside your comfort zone, but that’s a good thing. That stretching may be the next important step in your own spiritual development. Don’t try to bypass God’s work in your own life by just expecting people to come to your group.

Be sure to come back tomorrow and learn the third AND MOST IMPORTANT principle for small group success.

Being a small group leader can sometimes be overwhelming. Deciding when and where to meet…choosing, acquiring, and understanding curriculum…finding people for your group…connecting with new group members…communicating with the group… Is your head spinning yet? Don’t panic, launching your new small group well can be boiled down into three simple principles: Start, Fill, Keep. If you’ll think about and intentionally exercise these three principles, you’ll find that group success is easier to wrap your mind around.

Think about it like a three-legged stool; a stool with three legs can only stand if all three legs are of equal strength and equal length. In order for your small group stool to stand, all three legs (Start, Fill, and Keep) must likewise be equal strength and equal length. Starting is about preparing for the launch of your group. Filling is about finding people for your group. And keeping is about creating a group where people want to remain for the long haul. If you don’t focus enough attention on one or more of these three legs, your stool will ultimately come crashing down.

START

Starting your group well is all about just that: starting. The problem is that many people aren’t ready to start their group. A solid start requires preparation. Passion is good, but preparation necessary.

So how do I prepare to start my group? First, pray. Pray that God will prepare your heart. Pray that He will empower you to lead. Pray that you will endure. Jim Egli and Dwight Marable recently released the results of a study they conducted with over 3000 small group leaders in 200 churches and they found that, statistically, the most important ingredient for successful small group leaders is prayer. The followign quote from their book, Small Groups Big Impact is very telling.

…we were surprised to discover that the amount of time spent preparing the Bible lesson shows no correlation whatsoever to small group growth. In other woes, the leaders who spend five hours preparing the Bible lesson for their groups have groups that grow no faster than leaders who spend five minutes preparing the lesson! It does make a dramatic difference, however, how much time the leaders spends praying for his small group meeting. 1

Second, practice the “Marriott Principle.” Have you ever had someone show up to your home unannounced? It’s nice to have guests, but if you’re not ready it’s a bit unnerving. Marriott (and all good hotels) are always ready for guests. Make sure that you are ready to receive people when they come to your group. There’s nothing more awkward for new group members than to show up and feel like they are an inconvenience. If your group meets in a home, make sure it looks like someone is home. Open the curtains/blinds and turn on a porch light. Make sure that there is enough seating. If you’re going to serve snacks have them ready early. New people will feel strange sitting in your living room while you are finishing up in the kitchen. If you’re using video curriculum, place the TV where everyone will be able to see the screen. Ultimately, just pay attention to details. Walk through your meeting location as if you were a first time guest. Ask yourself what makes the environment welcoming and what makes it a bit awkward. Enhance the welcoming elements and eliminate the awkward ones.

Tomorrow I’ll write about the second leg on the stool:  Fill.

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Notes

1. Egli and Marable. Small Groups Big Impact: Connecting People to God and One Another in Thriving Groups. Church Smart Resources. © 2011. Page 26.