Depression is a disease. Just like cancer, diabetes or M.S. it is a disease…and it kills. Andrew Stoecklein, pastor of Inland Hills Church of Chino, California died from depression just a few years ago. Here is a blog post by his wife about his death. Yes, it was a suicide, but it was not his fault. When a depressed person is suicidal it is because they have lost control of their minds due to an illness in the brain. Science is teaching us more all the time about brain chemistry, and we’ve learned that chronic depression is a brain sickness just like Nephrotic Syndrome is a kidney sickness. When a depressed person commits suicide it is not his/her fault; it is the fault of the disease. Suicide is the final stage of the deadly disease called chronic depression.
How do I know this? Because I struggle with depression. My battle has been long and difficult. There have been times when I felt like giving up the fight and taking my own life. I’m only still here because of the grace of God and the help of some key people.
Today I’m making a plea to all people: please take time to understand the true nature of chronic depression, then go to great lengths to help those suffering with it. Maybe you wonder how you can help. After all, you may not be a mental-health-professional. So what can you do?
Be present.
That’s it. You’re greatest help to someone fighting depression is to be present.
A few years ago I had my worst battle with depression. I was not myself. I was, I believe, on the verge of insanity. I made it through those dark days because God put people in my life who were determined to be present. I was shutting people out, but still these people chose to be present with me…whether I wanted it or not.
My wife helped me the most. Stacey forgave and overlooked the hurtful things I said and did in my sickened state. She never gave up on me when I was ready to end it all. She stuck with me when another woman might have let me go. In my darkest nights, she was there. When I was ranting and angry, she was there. When my meds didn’t seem to be helping at all, she was there. During seemingly endless months of counseling, she was there. Stacey was present.
My life-long friend John also helped me. He flew hundreds of miles just to sit with me for hours on end. He listened to my rage, my sadness and my confusion and chose not to be put off by it. Instead, he chose to be with me. Countless other people in my life were uncomfortable around me and even offended by me. But not John. John was present.
Another dear friend named Blake also helped me. Blake was determined to give me time to escape my painful reality for a few hours at a time. He took me to dinner and to movies more times than I can count. Blake came to the house and played hundreds of hours of table-top board games with me so I could smile for a little while. Blake drove countless miles between his home and mine just so he could be a human-pressure-relief-valve for me. Blake was present.
My mother, Betty, made a difference helping me too. She endured angry words when I was depressed, but she did not give up on me. Instead, she hit her knees daily and prayed for me endlessly. She had good reason not to call me or talk to me, but she did anyway. Though we were separated by hundreds of miles, during my darkest times, I know my mother was in my corner and praying for me earnestly. Mom was present.
Will you be present?
The worst thing you can do for those who are depressed is “give them space.” They may be asking for it, and maybe even demanding it, but they are not in total control of their mental faculties. Giving a depressed person what the space they “want” is like giving a diabetic a gallon of Ice Cream; it’s a great way to help them slide even further into depression. What they NEED is you. It’s easy to ignore depressed people, to marginalize them, to shove them to the back burner or to write them off altogether. After all, you’re busy and have problems of your own. It’s easy to give them space because that costs you nothing. But I’m going to come right out and say it: in the case of dealing with depressed people, what is easy is morally reprehensible. Choosing to be absent in the life of a depressed person you know is akin to handing them a gun, a razor blade, or a bottle of pills. They may not act like it, but they need you.
I know this first hand: it is the people who were present who actually helped me. So my message to anyone who will read this post is simply this: for the depressed people in your life, be present.